So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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