I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
