I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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