im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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