Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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