I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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