The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
