allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
