Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
