You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
