dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
