seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
