What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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