and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
