Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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