Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
