ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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