I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
