it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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