probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
