Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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