i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
