What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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