My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
