If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
