I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
