Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
