i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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