I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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