Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
