Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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