I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
