i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
