Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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