All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
