I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
