She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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