If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
