It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
