Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
