I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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