Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
