I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
