Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
