then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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