cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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