I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
