she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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