The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
