Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
