My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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