well you can't waste a boner
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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