you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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