How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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