I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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