if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
