That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
