I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
