Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm just crazy horny about you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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