I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
