a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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