Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
