New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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