I hate your face
I'm going to jail i love you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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