this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
