trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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